Welcome to Holland: Honoring the Life You Didn't "Pack" For

When you first find out you’re going to be a parent, you start "packing." You pack dreams of Saturday morning soccer games, easy conversations at the dinner table, and a smooth path through school. You pack a mental map of what your life is going to look like.

But then, the plane lands. You look out the window and realize you aren't at the tropical beach you planned for. You’ve landed in a completely different country. The weather is different, the language is harder to learn, and the "tourist attractions" look nothing like the ones in your brochures.

For many of us, the hardest part of this journey isn't the daily work; it’s the Grief of the Expected Life. It’s the feeling that you are "missing out" on the version of parenthood everyone else seems to be having.

The Clever Insight: The Holland Paradox There is a famous essay by Emily Perl Kingsley called "Welcome to Holland." She compares having a child with a disability to planning a trip to Italy, only to find yourself in Holland.

The paradox is this: If you spend all your time mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, very lovely things about Holland.

Holland is slower than Italy. It’s less "flashy." But Holland has tulips. Holland has windmills. Holland has a quiet beauty that the people rushing through Italy never get to see. Our lives are "Holland." They are more complicated and sometimes more rugged, but they are filled with a different kind of magic—the magic of a first word that took three years to arrive, or the magic of a "Daily Win" that a "typical" parent wouldn't even notice.

Demonstrating the "Suitcase Repack" To move from "longing for Italy" to "loving Holland," we have to do a Suitcase Repack. This is the process of letting go of the expectations that no longer serve us.

1. Unpack the "Shoulds": Take out the phrase "He should be doing X by now." Every time you use the word "should," you are looking at an Italian map while standing in a Dutch field. It only leads to frustration.
2. Pack for the Climate: Instead of wishing for "easy," pack for "equipped." This means gathering your tools—the visual schedules, the sensory snacks, and the "Wait-a-Minute" bags. When you have the right gear for the country you’re actually in, the journey feels much lighter.
3. Find the Local Guides: This is the community. Look for the other parents who have been living in Holland for a while. They know where the best "tulips" are. They can tell you which paths are too steep and which ones lead to the most beautiful views.

An Insightful Resource: The "Joy Audit" Once a week, try a clever exercise called the Joy Audit. Ignore everything a "typical" family would find joyful. Look only at your life in Holland.

• Did your child make eye contact today?
• Did they use a new sensory tool instead of having a meltdown?
• Did they laugh at a joke?

In Italy, these things are "background noise." In Holland, these are Grand Openings. When you start counting the "Dutch Wins," you realize your life is actually incredibly wealthy.

The Ultimate Daily Win: Landing in the Present The biggest win isn't when your child becomes "typical." The win is when you stop wishing they were. It’s the moment you look at your child and realize: I didn't pack for this, but I wouldn't trade this traveler for anyone in the world.

Last night, my son spent twenty minutes explaining the "physics" of how his toy cars crash. It wasn't the "standard" conversation I imagined having ten years ago. But as I watched his eyes light up, I realized I was seeing a level of passion and detail that is rare and beautiful. I wasn't in Italy, and I was perfectly okay with that.

Moving Forward It is okay to grieve the trip you didn't take. It is okay to feel sad that the road is steeper than you expected. Give yourself permission to feel that.

But then, look around. There are tulips here. There are windmills. And there is an entire community of us, standing on the cobblestones of Holland, ready to welcome you home. You are exactly where you need to be.