Dealing with Parent Guilt

If you are like most of the moms and dads I talk to, you probably go to bed every night with a mental list of all the things you did wrong. Maybe you lost your cool when the third shirt was rejected because of the "scratchy" tag. Maybe you felt a pang of jealousy when you saw a video of your neighbor’s kid hitting a milestone that your child is still struggling to reach. Or maybe you just feel guilty because you are tired. Not just "need a nap" tired, but "deep in your bones" tired.

This is what I call the invisible weight. When you have a child with autism, ADHD, or other special needs, you aren't just a parent. You are a therapist, a teacher, an advocate, and a bodyguard. That is a lot of hats for one person to wear. It is no wonder that so many of us feel like we are failing, even when we are doing an amazing job.

Why the guilt feels so heavy In the world of special needs, the pressure to "fix" or "optimize" everything is everywhere. You see ads for new supplements, or you read articles about the latest therapy that supposedly changes everything. You start to think that if you just worked a little harder, or stayed up a little later researching, your child would have an easier time.

This is a trap. I want you to hear me clearly when I say this. Your child’s struggles are not your fault. Their hard days are not a reflection of your worth as a parent. We spend so much time focusing on our kids' progress that we forget that we are human beings too. We have limits. We have bad moods. We have days where we just want to watch trashy TV and not think about sensory processing or speech goals.

The comparison trap One of the biggest sources of parent guilt comes from looking at other families. You see the "typical" kids at the park playing together, and it hurts. You see another special needs parent who seems to have it all together, with their color coded schedules and their calm voice, and you feel like you’re doing it wrong because your house is a mess and you’re crying in the pantry.

Comparison is a thief. It steals your joy and it makes you blind to the incredible things you are actually doing. You are the person who knows exactly how your child likes their sandwich cut. You are the one who knows that a certain look in their eyes means they need a break. You are their safe harbor in a world that can be very scary for them. That is not nothing. That is everything.

How to put the weight down So how do we stop feeling like we are always behind? It starts with being as kind to yourself as you are to your child. We give our kids so much grace. When they have a meltdown, we look for the reason. When they fail at a task, we encourage them to try again. But when we make a mistake, we are often our own worst critics.

Try to catch yourself when that "guilty voice" starts talking. When it says, "You should have done more today," try to answer it with a fact. A fact might be, "I kept my child safe today." Or, "We shared a laugh today." Or even just, "I got through the day, and that is enough."

It also helps to find your "village." This is why I started this blog. We need people who understand that a "good day" might just mean nobody got hurt and everyone got fed. We need people who won't judge us when we admit that this life is really, really hard sometimes.

Filling your own cup You have heard the saying that you cannot pour from an empty cup. It sounds like a cliché, but it is the truth. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is actually a gift to your child. When you are rested and feeling supported, you have more patience. You have more creativity to solve those "outside the box" problems that come up.

Self care doesn't have to be a spa day or a vacation. It can be five minutes of silence in the car before you go inside. It can be a phone call with a friend who makes you laugh. It can be admitting out loud that you are struggling and asking for a hand.

A message for tonight Tonight, when you lay your head down, I want you to try something new. Instead of thinking about what you didn't do, I want you to think about one moment where you showed up for your kid. Maybe it was just sitting on the floor next to them while they played. Maybe it was staying calm when things got loud.

You are doing a hard thing, and you are doing it with a lot of love. The guilt might try to tell you otherwise, but the guilt is lying. You are exactly the parent your child needs. You are enough, just as you are.

Rest well. Tomorrow is a brand new day, and we will be right here with you.